Don't Trust 3OH!3

To the members of 3OH!3,

This is not a fan letter.

I’m afraid I don’t really enjoy your music at all, but I respect your relative success, especially given the considerable disadvantage from your name. You don’t see !!! topping the charts. Panic! At The Disco became Panic At The Disco and Ultravox! became Ultravox for precisely that reason; they couldn’t back up all the emphatic excitement and exclamation point implied.

Apparently, you guys have the beats to hold on to your punctuation, which is great. I put no faith in my own taste in music, anyway. Instead I devote myself to logic, and after hearing the lyrics of your song throbbing from speakers everywhere and posted into hundreds of Facebook statuses, I simply have to ask that you write an edited version cutting out all questionable lyrics. I find some of the concepts you present to be more dangerous to impressionable audiences than any simple expletive. I will provide a list of lyrics that need editing.

1.     While my tongue is on the inside of some other girl’s teeth: Such a situation is improbable.  Yes, some teeth are in fact hollow. But to get your tongue inside a tooth, nay, plural teeth, would require that this girl you speak of have either severe mutations or dental surgery gone horribly wrong. I’m not completely precluding the possibility of such a girl’s existence, I simply find it unlikely you would sing about what would have been a highly awkward situation in such a context.

2.     If he says he’s got beef/ That I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fuckin’ scared of him: In fact, a meat-eater would generally be far less scared of beef than a vegetarian. Even vegetarians don’t exactly run screaming from a T-bone, but they would avoid touching it, whereas a carnivore would approach fearlessly with a fork and knife.

3.     Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips: Ms. Keller in fact spoke with her hands, and later was able to speak with her mouth. There are no documented cases of any deaf/mutes using their hips to communicate. There is however, evidence that Shakira’s hips speak quite truthfully. I would accept “Shakira” as a substitution.

4.     Won’t trust a ho ‘cause a ho won’t trust me: Judging by the other lyrics of the song, the “ho” trusts you pretty thoroughly.

I hope that you can see where I’m coming from, and perhaps you will see some other changes that need to be made that I missed. I am confident that the new “Don’t Trust Me” will be a hit. Your fan base will interpret the logic as irony and eat it up.

Feel free to contact me, I’d be glad to help with the new “rationally edited” version.


Letter Status: No Reply
UPDATE: The video clears everything up.