It's Another Fauxetry Post!

Unfortunately I discovered the sheer awesomeness of former US Poet Laureate Billy Collins many months too late to do my recommended summer reading and still several months too late to attend his poetry reading.

But here today I make it up to Billy Collins. I know he was disappointed when he stepped into the packed lecture hall and saw my seat, the one in the front row that read "Reserved for Sincerely Yours", as empty and desolate as the top of James Carville's head. Inside he wept but on the outside, struggled on. Today his suffering can end because today he joins a select society: "Poets Whose Mailboxes I Don't Want To Put Rabid Mice Inside Of" (PWMIDWTPRMIO).

To serve as an induction ceremony,  I post two of his poems below, alongside a fauxem of my own, an oldie which pales in comparison.

Vincent Gallo Replies

A response to Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants


vincentgallo@vincentgallo.com:
Let me see your face please













Blogger's note: I don't think I will. I probably would have if he had used a period or signed it. This is why I usually don't write helpful letters through email. People using Microsoft Word use spellcheck before they hit print. But if any of you readers want to send Vincent Gallo your face in my stead, leave a picture as a comment and it shall be done.

Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants

Vincent Gallo's Merchandising Website

Dear Mr. Gallo,

The warning on your contact page kind of scared me, for I do not wish to appear "small and silly" in your eyes, even though I don't really know who you are. I came across you as a person the first time when looking for fun christmas presents for friends. There was a link to your cum t-shirt and wondering why it would cost $150 so I wikied you. Now I know that "Vincent Gallo (born April 11, 1961) is an American film actor, director, producer,screenwriter, singer-songwriter, and painter." Like Leonardo DaVinci plus being American, a film actor, director, producer, screenwriter, and singer-songwriter. Even your names are pretty similar. That's kind of cool. You're famous for being in movies and bands I've never heard of, which in my book doesn't count as being famous, so really to me you're famous for selling a $150 cum t-shirt. Bold.
I'm contacting you about the pricing on that very Vincent Gallo merchandising website that sells, along with the $150 cum t-shirt, $200 posters without you on them and your $750 lucky wallet. Here's the thing.

Don't Trust 3OH!3

To the members of 3OH!3,

This is not a fan letter.

I’m afraid I don’t really enjoy your music at all, but I respect your relative success, especially given the considerable disadvantage from your name. You don’t see !!! topping the charts. Panic! At The Disco became Panic At The Disco and Ultravox! became Ultravox for precisely that reason; they couldn’t back up all the emphatic excitement and exclamation point implied.

Apparently, you guys have the beats to hold on to your punctuation, which is great. I put no faith in my own taste in music, anyway. Instead I devote myself to logic, and after hearing the lyrics of your song throbbing from speakers everywhere and posted into hundreds of Facebook statuses, I simply have to ask that you write an edited version cutting out all questionable lyrics. I find some of the concepts you present to be more dangerous to impressionable audiences than any simple expletive. I will provide a list of lyrics that need editing.

The Test of an Icon: Trying to Make Americans Care About Speedskating

Letter Status: No Reply, None Expected

(For background on this letter, see The Colbert Nation)