The Oreo Saga Pt. 2

(A response to Deceptions and Lies)
To the esteemed Ms. McMiller,

Recently I wrote you, or rather, Kraft, a letter. In this letter I touched upon many concerns, compliments, and questions regarding the Oreo brand. I was impressed that you responded in a timely fashion and in detail. You misspelled my name, but I would not begrudge you a typo.

The one thing that did trouble me about your response was the answer you had to my question about Vend Pack Oreos. I asked why they were smaller and apparently made from a different recipe than regular Oreos, the kind bought in a store. I referenced the seemingly endless varieties of Oreos already in production, each identified through a different name. Why, then, would you go through all the trouble of making a whole different production line without taking credit for it?

Scientific Proof That You Can Forget What A Word Means Through Repetition

Doug Zonker, of the University of Washington has made some great scientific strides with this study.

Ernie Keebler

Ernie Keebler

The Keebler Company        

52 Hollow Tree Ln,

Newington, CT 06111

Dear Mr. Keebler,

            Thank you for your contributions, not only to my stomach, but also to society.

You see, when I first heard that my Frosted Animal Crackers and Fudge Stripes were made inside of a tree, I was filled with reservation. I worried about the quality of my cookies- who knows whether a termite or squirrel could have fallen into the batter when the elves were on lunch break. But then I remembered that the FDA allows a certain amount of insect and rodent matter in processed foods. Then I worried about the working conditions inside of a tree.  Elves notoriously suffer terrible working conditions, from the rag-wearing self-mutilating house-elves of the wizarding world to the forced overtime of elves repairing shoes at night for lazy cobblers. A hollowed-out tree, dusty, dry, and crowded, would be a prime location for a sweatshop. Hosting ovens in such a flammable environment could be highly hazardous as well. I prepared, if need be, to boycott Keebler based on inhumane practices.