The Banana Guard: Guard Your Banana

Aberrant Designs Inc.


Suite #315  

2906 West Broadway

Vancouver, BC
V6K 2G8


Canada

To the makers of the Banana Guard,

I’m sure you’ve realized this already, but your product has all the makings of destroying the lives of the young people who find one inside of their Transformers lunchboxes.

The Banana Guard is so obviously phallic that you had to include “Is there a battery attachment?” in your list of frequently asked questions. Put that thing in the middle of a junior high cafeteria and suddenly the guy-who-brings-his-lunch-from-home-but-is-still-pretty-OK-because-he-has-a-pool becomes guy-with-a-wee-wee-in-his-lunch. Children are cruel. They will pounce on that Banana Guard like hyenas on day-old pterodactyl. “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana guard in your lunchbox or are you just happy to see me?”

To demonstrate exactly what I mean, I will now quote the Banana Guard website, inserting the word “penis”.

Brownie Horror

Everyone has probably seen this by now:

     It sickens me. This intestine shaped pan of doom (sold here) is designed to take America's favorite treat and turn it into some sort of dry, sconish type dessert. Every piece a corner piece! Every cubic inch of chocolatey batter cooked all the way through, crumbly and requiring copious amounts of milk.

Burger King Replies

(Response to Burger King Mystery)
Dear                     ,


Thank you for taking the time to contact Burger King Corporation. As a valued consumer, your comments and observations are very important to us.


Burger King Corporation places an emphasis on satisfying consumers' needs. We are always working hard to come up with new ways to meet or exceed our consumers' expectations. Therefore we want to encourage you to contact us with any comments you may have, positive or negative. We need to know how we are meeting your needs in order to aim for satisfaction!


Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. We greatly value information from our customers regarding their experiences at our restaurants. I hope your next visit will give us another opportunity to provide you with an enjoyable dining experience.


Sincerely,
Jordan
Consumer Response Representative


UPDATE: My response

In Which I Speak More Clearly To Burger King

(Response to Burger King Replies)

Burger King Corporation

5505 Blue Lagoon Drive

Miami, Florida 33126

To the Consumer Relations Office,

This is my second letter. In my previous letter to your department, I fear the point of the message may have been lost in the highly descriptive story I provided. Though the original letter was a masterwork of nonfiction, I see from the form letter you sent me in reply that you did not quite understand that the question I asked was not rhetorical.

 Therefore, I will repeat my question and make it clear that what I am looking for is an answer to the best of your abilities.

            In one of your locations in New Haven, I have observed a monitor that digitally displays a letter, and over time changes that letter. In one memorable example, I watched the monitor change from “B” to “C”. I would like to know, please, the purpose of such a monitor and why I haven’t seen one at any other locations.

            Please take the time to look into this or at least to tell me that you don’t know what the monitor is.

Thank you,

Letter Status: No Response

Burger King Mysteries

Consumer Relations

Burger King Corporation

5505 Blue Lagoon Drive

Miami, Florida 33126

To the people at Burger King:

            I have been known to frequent one of your New Haven locations. Not often enough that the employees know me, or even often enough that my friends would say I go there regularly. But I’ve been there often enough to drive there without the aid of a GPS. I can’t get to the bank, the hair salon, or anybody’s house without my GPS, but Burger King of New Haven happens to be one of the few places I can get to from memory. Perhaps it’s better to say I know how to frequent one of your New Haven locations.

But Ron, I Have A Hammer I Need Cut In Half!

Ronco Acquisition Corporation

P.O. Box 7879

Van Nuys, CA 91406

To the people at Ronco:

            I saw your infomercial for the Six Star Cutlery Set only once, at two in the morning at a hotel in Hamilton, NY. I had made some poor decisions that day regarding food choices and as a result was awake against my will and watching television to try and distract myself from the pain.

            It may have been the rest-stop quesadilla or the room service potato skins, but suddenly anything that meant nobody would be preparing my food but me was a very enticing product. On came Ron, throwing out a whole drawer of knives and Arnold displaying the amazing Showtime knife. What a knife! Quite high on my list of culinary goals is to whack a pineapple with a knife and slice it cleanly in half. Except I would have someone throw the pineapple at me at go all Matrix when the pineapple splits into two. Perhaps I would substitute a watermelon for the pineapple.

General Mills Does Not Go Cuckoo

(General Mills responds to Shellac Your Cereal Much?)
Dear                ,

Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Cocoa Puffs cereal. We appreciate the time you have taken to share your positive feedback with us. We will be very happy to pass on your comments to the product team.

We are committed to creating the highest quality products for our consumers. Feedback such as yours helps us to achieve this goal for the future.

We appreciate your loyalty and hope you continue to enjoy you products.

Sincerely,
Harry Kendall

el dOREOdo: a letter to Nabisco

To the makers of Oreo Sandwich Cookies:

            I must first introduce myself as a fan of your products. As a brand, Oreo’s have done a fantastic job of taking the simple sandwich cookie and creating infinite marketable variations. Any complaint anyone could have against an Oreo, you’ve covered by creating a new cookie. Too big? Mini Oreos. Too small? Double Stuf, Triple Stuf, or Big Stuf (which, unfortunately I have only heard legend of). Too fattening? Try a Sugar Free, Reduced Fat, or a 100 Calorie Pack. Not an appropriate breakfast food? Oreo O’s. Boom.

Of course, even the most devoted American consumer can sometimes be baffled by the actions of a beloved company. Like deities, corporations seem to act in mysterious ways. However, unlike most gods, corporations provide mailing addresses to which we can direct the questions that trouble our souls. As your humble sheep, I kneel before the altar of sugar, fat, and capitalism and ask:

Shellac Your Cereal Much?

See the responseConsumer Care Representative

1 General Mills Blvd.

Minneapolis, MN

55426

To the makers of Cocoa Puffs:

I’m sure you are familiar with the poem “Cereal” by the late great Shel Silverstein.

Rice Krispies stay crisp, though they now and then lisp

As they whisper their “thnap crackle pop” in your bowl,

And though you pour a tall can

Of milk on your ALL Bran,

It never will turn into glop (so I’m told).

I know Shredded Wheat will stay crumbly and neat

Though you soak it a year in the depths of the ocean,

And from breakfast and lunch

Your Post Toasties will crunch

To show you their love and undying devotion.

The Oreo Saga Pt. 2

(A response to Deceptions and Lies)
To the esteemed Ms. McMiller,

Recently I wrote you, or rather, Kraft, a letter. In this letter I touched upon many concerns, compliments, and questions regarding the Oreo brand. I was impressed that you responded in a timely fashion and in detail. You misspelled my name, but I would not begrudge you a typo.

The one thing that did trouble me about your response was the answer you had to my question about Vend Pack Oreos. I asked why they were smaller and apparently made from a different recipe than regular Oreos, the kind bought in a store. I referenced the seemingly endless varieties of Oreos already in production, each identified through a different name. Why, then, would you go through all the trouble of making a whole different production line without taking credit for it?

Deceptions and lies: Nabisco Replies!

(Response to El dOREOdo)
Dear                ,

I am delighted to hear that you are pleased with OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies. We strive to maintain the high quality of our existing products and to create a variety of new proudest that are convenient, taste good, and add nutritional value.
For that reason, we are sorry to hear that this product did not meet your expectations. We appreciate the oppurtunity to address your concerns and will do everything we can to help ensure your complete satisfaction in the future. Oreos come in a variety of flavors and sizes. Oreos in vending machines are our original Oreos. They are no smaller than the ones in our larger packages.
We work with advertising agencies to develop our marketing campaigns. It is they who decide on such advertising as Milk's Favorite Cookie.
Oreos can be eaten any way you wish. There is no specific procedure to follow when you feel the need to enjoy an Oreo.
We thank you for contacting us, as it's with the help of people like you that we continually improve the products we offer.
Sincerely,
Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

UPDATE: See the response

Ernie Keebler

Ernie Keebler

The Keebler Company        

52 Hollow Tree Ln,

Newington, CT 06111

Dear Mr. Keebler,

            Thank you for your contributions, not only to my stomach, but also to society.

You see, when I first heard that my Frosted Animal Crackers and Fudge Stripes were made inside of a tree, I was filled with reservation. I worried about the quality of my cookies- who knows whether a termite or squirrel could have fallen into the batter when the elves were on lunch break. But then I remembered that the FDA allows a certain amount of insect and rodent matter in processed foods. Then I worried about the working conditions inside of a tree.  Elves notoriously suffer terrible working conditions, from the rag-wearing self-mutilating house-elves of the wizarding world to the forced overtime of elves repairing shoes at night for lazy cobblers. A hollowed-out tree, dusty, dry, and crowded, would be a prime location for a sweatshop. Hosting ovens in such a flammable environment could be highly hazardous as well. I prepared, if need be, to boycott Keebler based on inhumane practices.

The Other One That Started It All- M&M's Reply Letter

(Response to The One That Started It All)

Dear              ,

Thank you for you compliment about M&M'S Brand Coconut Flavored Chocolate Candies. We are pleased that you enjoy our product and appreciate that you took the time to tell us.

I must tell you, I'm writing to you from the Island of Marsonga which can only be found in my dreams. I'm lounging on the beach just enjoying the birds singing their praises as the monkeys keep bringing beverages served in coconut shells to quench my thirst. Floating on top of my beverage is M&M'S Brand Coconut Candies. Each scrumptious morsel takes me to a different part of paradise. As I Look to my left I see a Palm tree with the initials CC carved into it. You must have been here! we must be sharing the same dream!

While M&M"s Brand Coconut Flavored Chocolate Candies are over the top, they are a limited edition and will only be in the marketplace for a short time. For now, we can only keep them around in our dreams. Keep dreaming,               , sometimes dreams come true! Maybe some day we'll see M&M'S Brand Coconut Flavored Chocolate Candies again!

The One That Started It All

(Or, A Title That Will Make Sense Later When There Is An "All")

-In the summer of 2009, Mars introduced two temporary flavors of M&Ms. They were very
powerful.

To Whom It May Concern,

I write to you in regards to the two flavors of Limited Edition M&M’s currently on the market: Coconut and Strawberried Peanut Butter. The former, I urge you to keep on the market as a permanent or seasonal flavor, whereas the latter ought to be stricken from all living memory.

Coconut M&M’s successfully mix the milk chocolate, candy coating, and coconut filling while keeping each flavor distinct: a mosaic, not a melting pot, of tastes. A single bite transports the consumer to a tropical island, where palm trees sway in a warm breeze, where colorful birds magically endowed with the power of speech sing reggae accapella and well-trained monkeys brings drinks to the straw hammocks on the beach. This effect is particularly powerful in the rainy, chilly woods of Maine, where the loon’s call is a bloodcurdling scream at midnight and mosquitoes unleash war upon human invaders