The Banana Guard: Guard Your Banana

Aberrant Designs Inc.


Suite #315  

2906 West Broadway

Vancouver, BC
V6K 2G8


Canada

To the makers of the Banana Guard,

I’m sure you’ve realized this already, but your product has all the makings of destroying the lives of the young people who find one inside of their Transformers lunchboxes.

The Banana Guard is so obviously phallic that you had to include “Is there a battery attachment?” in your list of frequently asked questions. Put that thing in the middle of a junior high cafeteria and suddenly the guy-who-brings-his-lunch-from-home-but-is-still-pretty-OK-because-he-has-a-pool becomes guy-with-a-wee-wee-in-his-lunch. Children are cruel. They will pounce on that Banana Guard like hyenas on day-old pterodactyl. “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana guard in your lunchbox or are you just happy to see me?”

To demonstrate exactly what I mean, I will now quote the Banana Guard website, inserting the word “penis”.

·       *Not all penises are the same size or shape, so how can the Penis Guard fit them all?

·       *Highly curved penises can be straightened ever-so-slightly without harm to fit the Penis Guard shape. The opposite holds true of very straight penises.

·       *Are you fed up with bringing your penis to work or school only to find it bruised and squashed? Our unique, patented device allows for the safe transport and storage of individual penises letting you enjoy perfect penises anytime, anywhere.

·       *Ravishing Red Penis, Mellow Yellow Penis, Passionate Purple Penis, Sublime Green Penis, Brilliant Blue Penis, Pretty in Pink Penis.

It took zero effort to do that. Most of it didn’t even make sense, but any one of those bullet points would bring the house down in the junior high cafeteria. And it will. And no doubt it already has. Sure, for 638 youngsters, the banana guard has interrupted the doldrums of stem-and-leaf diagrams and book reports on Judy Blume novels. But for little Jimmy, you’ve destroyed a young man’s burgeoning social life. He’ll go home, blame his mother, lock himself in his room and start to consider crime and drugs.

You are in no danger here, because remember, Jimmy thinks it’s his Mom’s fault. But morally, you are responsible. Which is why I suggest a kid-friendly model of the Banana Guard. The inside can still be “banana”-shaped, but the outside can be filled out to a half-moon, or a football. Something safe. Consider it, and Jimmy’s fate along with it.

Sincerely yours,


Letter Status: No Reply