Brownie Horror

Everyone has probably seen this by now:

     It sickens me. This intestine shaped pan of doom (sold here) is designed to take America's favorite treat and turn it into some sort of dry, sconish type dessert. Every piece a corner piece! Every cubic inch of chocolatey batter cooked all the way through, crumbly and requiring copious amounts of milk.

     I rely on brownies as a major source of hydration, and naturally my first instinct was to tell the soulless robots Bakers Edge exactly what I thought of them. But alas, I take my position as a defender of the people seriously, and it turns out that some people like brownie edges. A lot of people.
     Now I've never met one of these people, but that is simply because the Society of Edge Lovers is a tight-knit group. They branched off of the Illuminati in 1893, in what SEL members refer to as "The Schism of Brothers", because the movement was led by Franz Palmer, younger brother of Jacque Palmer, creator of the brownie. Jacque and Franz argued over which part of the brownie was best, and a casual brotherly lunch became a bloodless war, dividing families and friends.
      Today, both organizations are deep underground and have a tacit peace between them. But the Society is as influential in the world of culinary supplies as the Illuminati are in the world of politics and pop music. That is why the edgeless brownie pan has never popped up on the market.

Mmm, engineering. Not to worry anyway, they haven't taken our 9x9s away yet, we can always just cut the crusts off and mail them to the SEL. As soon as I find the address.