Dear Mr. Gallo,
The warning on your contact page kind of scared me, for I do not wish to appear "small and silly" in your eyes, even though I don't really know who you are. I came across you as a person the first time when looking for fun christmas presents for friends. There was a link to your cum t-shirt and wondering why it would cost $150 so I wikied you. Now I know that "Vincent Gallo (born April 11, 1961) is an American film actor, director, producer,screenwriter, singer-songwriter, and painter." Like Leonardo DaVinci plus being American, a film actor, director, producer, screenwriter, and singer-songwriter. Even your names are pretty similar. That's kind of cool. You're famous for being in movies and bands I've never heard of, which in my book doesn't count as being famous, so really to me you're famous for selling a $150 cum t-shirt. Bold.
I'm contacting you about the pricing on that very Vincent Gallo merchandising website that sells, along with the $150 cum t-shirt, $200 posters without you on them and your $750 lucky wallet. Here's the thing.
The cum t-shirt is $150, the same exact price as the non-cum t-shirt. So the cum is free, which makes sense because it costs you so very little to produce it. But a vial of your sperm suitable for in-vitro fertilization is $1,000,000. This is 20 times the cost of a night of sex with Vincent Gallo at $50,000. If a woman is smart, she can schedule her night of pleasure while ovulating and thus have a 25% chance of making a beautiful Gallo baby. So with this gamble the crafty lady is really getting a $300,000 value while paying only $50,000. Even better, a real cheapskate of a lady can just buy a $150 t-shirt then extract your DNA from it using a simple process known by high school biology graduates. Panos Zavos, professor of reproductive physiology at the University of Kentucky estimates that creating a human clone would cost only $50,000 Add another $25,000 to bribe the scientist into performing the highly illegal act. If a half-Vincent Gallo baby is worth $1 million, then a full-Vincent Gallo baby must be worth $2 million. Paying only $75,150 (only $150 of which goes to you) would get the lovely lady a $2,000,150 value, of baby clone plus t-shirt, not even counting the potential for reality tv shows .
Vincent! What are you doing? You're practically giving away babies! The way I see it, people are going to see the deal and be unable to refuse it, and within 20 years, the Earth's children will be populated entirely with Vincent Gallo children, half or full breed. Then since they will all be half-brothers and half-sisters, they won't be able to have any more children and the human population will die out. Not to mention you, thee original Vincent, will have lost billions of dollars in potential profit.
The Earth can be saved if you just adjust the prices on your merchandising website to reflect the true value of the products:
Cum T-shirt: $1,075,150
One night with Vincent Gallo: $300,000
Vincent Gallo Sperm: $1,000,000
Sincerely,
Letter Status: Response
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