Holiday Blackout Dates

Though we here at The Island know that most of you people visiting our shores are merely lost, took a left turn instead of right and were confused when you found yourself at a tropical island where singing monkeys take a backseat to a shocking disparity between unflagging sarcasm and beaten down corporate drudge, and will be turning around, getting back onto the information superhighway and reaching your destination of buying Marsong Music or befriending Mardiansyah Marsong, we like to imagine that there is one person who is considering getting an oceanfront timeshare. It is for that person (imaginary that he may be) that we say we are sorry, but Marsonga will not be offering any more ferries to the mainland until the close of the holiday season. 


Here are some amusing/mind numbing diversions to hold you over:

Gimme Some Sugar, Barbie

Consumer Relations

Barbie^® Collector

P.O. Box 620040


Middleton, WI 53562-004

To Mattel and the operators of Barbie Collector:

            I write to you regarding the proposed new model of Barbie for the Palm Beach Collection: Sugar Daddy Ken. It seems Mr. Daddy and (his little dog too) were laughed and shunned out of the ranks of collector’s fashion dolls for embodying the stereotype of a wealthy man who romances young, beautiful women like Barbie. Retailers now say that production of Sugar Daddy Ken is cancelled, and it is this rather than the idea of such a doll that outrages me.

    Never mind that Sugar Daddy Ken is actually Sugar’s Daddy, Ken, Sugar being the adorable terrier. Never mind that most people’s Gaydars bleet like a flock of sheep when they see dapper Ken with his pink leash, tiny canine, ornate jacket, manicured hands and white loafers. Never mind that the Sugar Daddy is a delicious caramel lollipop, and never mind that even with his hair going a bit gray, Ken still has six-pack abs. No, no, someone raises an eyebrow and says that maybe Ken and Barbie are having an unconventional relationship and suddenly you have to cancel.

CVS Replies (and manages to spell everything right)

(Response to CVS: I Want To Find Something Mean That Could Stand For)

Dear            ,

Thank you for your suggestion on improving the register setup.

We will certainly forward your valuable feedback to the appropriate department/individual.

              , we value your patronage and look forward to serving you soon.

Sincerely,
Korrine
CVS/pharmacy
Customer Relations Representative

Burger King Replies

(Response to Burger King Mystery)
Dear                     ,


Thank you for taking the time to contact Burger King Corporation. As a valued consumer, your comments and observations are very important to us.


Burger King Corporation places an emphasis on satisfying consumers' needs. We are always working hard to come up with new ways to meet or exceed our consumers' expectations. Therefore we want to encourage you to contact us with any comments you may have, positive or negative. We need to know how we are meeting your needs in order to aim for satisfaction!


Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. We greatly value information from our customers regarding their experiences at our restaurants. I hope your next visit will give us another opportunity to provide you with an enjoyable dining experience.


Sincerely,
Jordan
Consumer Response Representative


UPDATE: My response

In Which I Speak More Clearly To Burger King

(Response to Burger King Replies)

Burger King Corporation

5505 Blue Lagoon Drive

Miami, Florida 33126

To the Consumer Relations Office,

This is my second letter. In my previous letter to your department, I fear the point of the message may have been lost in the highly descriptive story I provided. Though the original letter was a masterwork of nonfiction, I see from the form letter you sent me in reply that you did not quite understand that the question I asked was not rhetorical.

 Therefore, I will repeat my question and make it clear that what I am looking for is an answer to the best of your abilities.

            In one of your locations in New Haven, I have observed a monitor that digitally displays a letter, and over time changes that letter. In one memorable example, I watched the monitor change from “B” to “C”. I would like to know, please, the purpose of such a monitor and why I haven’t seen one at any other locations.

            Please take the time to look into this or at least to tell me that you don’t know what the monitor is.

Thank you,

Letter Status: No Response

Get That Away From My Face

Flowbee International

333 Anchor Street

Corpus Christi, TX 78418

To the people at Flowbee International,

I recently came across your infomercial for the Flowbee and was so astonished I simply had to contact you. You see, none of the people in the infomercial reacted to the Flowbee the way I would have.

I consider a vacuum cleaner equipped with razor-sharp blades and I make a face of horror. I’ve searched and searched in the infomercial for any faces even close on the emotional spectrum to mine. All I found was the face on the woman threatened with someone taking away her Flowbee: “Take my husband, take my kids, but don’t take my Flowbee”, she said. Her reaction implies a disturbing attachment to your device bordering on clinical addiction, but I’ll set that aside as a marketing exaggeration.

Don't Trust 3OH!3

To the members of 3OH!3,

This is not a fan letter.

I’m afraid I don’t really enjoy your music at all, but I respect your relative success, especially given the considerable disadvantage from your name. You don’t see !!! topping the charts. Panic! At The Disco became Panic At The Disco and Ultravox! became Ultravox for precisely that reason; they couldn’t back up all the emphatic excitement and exclamation point implied.

Apparently, you guys have the beats to hold on to your punctuation, which is great. I put no faith in my own taste in music, anyway. Instead I devote myself to logic, and after hearing the lyrics of your song throbbing from speakers everywhere and posted into hundreds of Facebook statuses, I simply have to ask that you write an edited version cutting out all questionable lyrics. I find some of the concepts you present to be more dangerous to impressionable audiences than any simple expletive. I will provide a list of lyrics that need editing.

Burger King Mysteries

Consumer Relations

Burger King Corporation

5505 Blue Lagoon Drive

Miami, Florida 33126

To the people at Burger King:

            I have been known to frequent one of your New Haven locations. Not often enough that the employees know me, or even often enough that my friends would say I go there regularly. But I’ve been there often enough to drive there without the aid of a GPS. I can’t get to the bank, the hair salon, or anybody’s house without my GPS, but Burger King of New Haven happens to be one of the few places I can get to from memory. Perhaps it’s better to say I know how to frequent one of your New Haven locations.