In The Mail: PETA Part 2

More from the archives of the comic-book collection PETA sent me in the mail.

From "A Chicken's Life!"

Of course, the eggs we eat are unfertilized, and would have just lain there otherwise. Ignore that for the moment.

Miss Scarlet's Weak Alibi

A blatant lie in reply to Colonel Mustard and Sergeant Ketchup

Dear                         ,

Thank you for contacting us and allowing us the opportunity to respond to your inquiry.

We appreciate the fact that you thought enough of Hasbro, Inc. to contact us with your request.

Although we manufacture many quality products, Hasbro, Inc. does not manufacture this particular product.

Again, we thank you for your interest and hope that you and your family will enjoy our many products for years to come.

Sincerely,
CONSUMER AFFAIRS DEPT.
Jennifer J. DaSilva
Consumer Affairs Representative

Response: Coming Soon.

Don't Trust 3OH!3

To the members of 3OH!3,

This is not a fan letter.

I’m afraid I don’t really enjoy your music at all, but I respect your relative success, especially given the considerable disadvantage from your name. You don’t see !!! topping the charts. Panic! At The Disco became Panic At The Disco and Ultravox! became Ultravox for precisely that reason; they couldn’t back up all the emphatic excitement and exclamation point implied.

Apparently, you guys have the beats to hold on to your punctuation, which is great. I put no faith in my own taste in music, anyway. Instead I devote myself to logic, and after hearing the lyrics of your song throbbing from speakers everywhere and posted into hundreds of Facebook statuses, I simply have to ask that you write an edited version cutting out all questionable lyrics. I find some of the concepts you present to be more dangerous to impressionable audiences than any simple expletive. I will provide a list of lyrics that need editing.

Deceptions and lies: Nabisco Replies!

(Response to El dOREOdo)
Dear                ,

I am delighted to hear that you are pleased with OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies. We strive to maintain the high quality of our existing products and to create a variety of new proudest that are convenient, taste good, and add nutritional value.
For that reason, we are sorry to hear that this product did not meet your expectations. We appreciate the oppurtunity to address your concerns and will do everything we can to help ensure your complete satisfaction in the future. Oreos come in a variety of flavors and sizes. Oreos in vending machines are our original Oreos. They are no smaller than the ones in our larger packages.
We work with advertising agencies to develop our marketing campaigns. It is they who decide on such advertising as Milk's Favorite Cookie.
Oreos can be eaten any way you wish. There is no specific procedure to follow when you feel the need to enjoy an Oreo.
We thank you for contacting us, as it's with the help of people like you that we continually improve the products we offer.
Sincerely,
Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

UPDATE: See the response