Now It's Official

I said it was coming.


Here, for you to reference as you begin using it in everyday speech, formal writing pieces, and txting, is the definition of wilderweb.


Wilderweb (n): A synonym for internet which employs a metaphor comparing the World Wide Web to wilderness. 
Consider how you might encounter an "avalanche" of pop-up ads, one following the other until you are buried beneath a pile of windows selling natural male enhancement. 
Consider the equal dangers of getting lost on the Appalachian trail and getting lost on a trail of links, dizzy and confused and unable to remember your final destination. Or the similar behavioral patterns of natural predators and internet predators.
Lastly, consider how, on a starry night, gazing into the sky enlightens you as to how tiny and insignificant you truly are. Do we not experience such insight into the vastness of the universe when we see the 16 billion results upon googling "A"?

"I'm going for a walk in the wilderweb." "Well, be careful. Don't forget to bring your virus protection and a flashlight."

Don't believe me? Check it at urbandictionary.com

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wilderweb

The Banana Guard: Guard Your Banana

Aberrant Designs Inc.


Suite #315  

2906 West Broadway

Vancouver, BC
V6K 2G8


Canada

To the makers of the Banana Guard,

I’m sure you’ve realized this already, but your product has all the makings of destroying the lives of the young people who find one inside of their Transformers lunchboxes.

The Banana Guard is so obviously phallic that you had to include “Is there a battery attachment?” in your list of frequently asked questions. Put that thing in the middle of a junior high cafeteria and suddenly the guy-who-brings-his-lunch-from-home-but-is-still-pretty-OK-because-he-has-a-pool becomes guy-with-a-wee-wee-in-his-lunch. Children are cruel. They will pounce on that Banana Guard like hyenas on day-old pterodactyl. “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana guard in your lunchbox or are you just happy to see me?”

To demonstrate exactly what I mean, I will now quote the Banana Guard website, inserting the word “penis”.

Brownie Horror

Everyone has probably seen this by now:

     It sickens me. This intestine shaped pan of doom (sold here) is designed to take America's favorite treat and turn it into some sort of dry, sconish type dessert. Every piece a corner piece! Every cubic inch of chocolatey batter cooked all the way through, crumbly and requiring copious amounts of milk.

Get That Away From My Face

Flowbee International

333 Anchor Street

Corpus Christi, TX 78418

To the people at Flowbee International,

I recently came across your infomercial for the Flowbee and was so astonished I simply had to contact you. You see, none of the people in the infomercial reacted to the Flowbee the way I would have.

I consider a vacuum cleaner equipped with razor-sharp blades and I make a face of horror. I’ve searched and searched in the infomercial for any faces even close on the emotional spectrum to mine. All I found was the face on the woman threatened with someone taking away her Flowbee: “Take my husband, take my kids, but don’t take my Flowbee”, she said. Her reaction implies a disturbing attachment to your device bordering on clinical addiction, but I’ll set that aside as a marketing exaggeration.

Shellac Your Cereal Much?

See the responseConsumer Care Representative

1 General Mills Blvd.

Minneapolis, MN

55426

To the makers of Cocoa Puffs:

I’m sure you are familiar with the poem “Cereal” by the late great Shel Silverstein.

Rice Krispies stay crisp, though they now and then lisp

As they whisper their “thnap crackle pop” in your bowl,

And though you pour a tall can

Of milk on your ALL Bran,

It never will turn into glop (so I’m told).

I know Shredded Wheat will stay crumbly and neat

Though you soak it a year in the depths of the ocean,

And from breakfast and lunch

Your Post Toasties will crunch

To show you their love and undying devotion.

Scientific Proof That You Can Forget What A Word Means Through Repetition

Doug Zonker, of the University of Washington has made some great scientific strides with this study.