Get That Away From My Face

Flowbee International

333 Anchor Street

Corpus Christi, TX 78418

To the people at Flowbee International,

I recently came across your infomercial for the Flowbee and was so astonished I simply had to contact you. You see, none of the people in the infomercial reacted to the Flowbee the way I would have.

I consider a vacuum cleaner equipped with razor-sharp blades and I make a face of horror. I’ve searched and searched in the infomercial for any faces even close on the emotional spectrum to mine. All I found was the face on the woman threatened with someone taking away her Flowbee: “Take my husband, take my kids, but don’t take my Flowbee”, she said. Her reaction implies a disturbing attachment to your device bordering on clinical addiction, but I’ll set that aside as a marketing exaggeration.

Maybe the fault lies with me.  My hair goes well past my shoulders, so I must regard many things as possible dangers to my hair and personal safety. Chairlifts, Velcro, Bunsen Burners, fax machines, fans, and bubble gum can be hazards to life and limb. Vacuum cleaners, the sort without blade attachments, also make that list. Add something sharp enough to slice through the softer parts of my skull and instruct me to place it near my head, and you will see me run in the opposite direction like an angry rhino had started to charge. Present me with a video where the device is bounced around just inches from other people’s heads, and I sit on the edge of my chair awaiting the carnage.

I imagine, therefore, that the infomercial is very successful in the ratings. People must watch and be entranced, like when watching Jackass or a Japanese game show. However, I cannot make the connection to how that sells your product, with exception of as a gift to one’s enemy.

Yet, you stand still functioning after over 20 years of business, and in a hostile economic climate. Like an oasis in a desert of failing businesses you stand tall. I won’t ask for the business secrets of the Infomercial Illuminati; I merely ask how you convince people that the Flowbee won’t suck their hair up into its jaws and take the rest of their body along with it.

Convince me and you’ll have beaten the greatest challenge your business has yet faced, including the Robocut debacle.

            I have laid down the gauntlet, Flowbee International, and I eagerly await your reply.

                                                                        Sincerely yours,

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