April Fools!

Hah! You thought you were rid of me. Not so. Not so at all. Wise words of the day are going to continue- mainly because if I don't write them down I'll forget them and thus not have wisdom, and also because if I don't publish them in a searchable online medium I'll lose them and once again not have any wisdom.
My wisdom teeth are gone. This is all I have.

So things I write that nobody reads, besides me, that guy who was a follower of the Island for a day, and hopelessly lost Googlers, will now be broadcasted to the world via twitter, and somehow through Wilderweb enchantments will make it to this page.

The Long Goodbye

I think I'm done with this. Maybe I'll reopen the Island later. Not that it's closed per se, it's just abandoned. We still need people to push the button every 108 minutes. And somebody should give Gilligan a ride home. Other than that you can read the archives and rejoice in the reappearance of Coconut M&M's this summer.
I accept thanks in the form of glowing fan letters, cash, and food items.
I'm out.

Wise Words of the Day

Don't dress for the weather you have, dress for the weather you want. Sometimes that means frostbite or heat stroke, and we just have to deal with that.

Happy first day of Spring.

Happy Birthday to Me

My appreciation for the fact that my birthday falls on an international drinking holiday has grown exponentially over time (see graph below). Having taken Statistics, I am aware that it would be a fallacy at this time to say my enjoyment of St. Patrick's Day follows an exponential pattern, but nonetheless the  data collected thus far can be expressed in such a manner.

 

I'm spending it drinking, watching bad movies, and eating chocolate.
First up: Leprechaun 4: In Space "One small step for man... One giant leap of terror."

Can You Sigh Backward?

Management

Memphis Residence Inn Downtown

6141 Poplar Pike

Memphis, TN 38119-4707

To the management,

I recently enjoyed a stay at your hotel in the beautiful, though desolate, downtown Memphis. In general, I say bravo. I can hardly blame you for the fact that it snowed in Tennessee that week, or that the TV picture froze just as the soon-to-be bronze medalist began his mogul run, forcing me to hear but not see his show-stopping double-full twisting back flip.  You can hardly be blamed for miscommunications with the valets who all seemed to be off-duty or the quality of your bagels, which I imagine are never quite right more than 100 miles from New York.

As a brief aside however, I would like to call your attention to the letter you posted on my refrigerator and the style with which it was written. The letter was a hospitable gesture, to be sure. I would simply like to inform you that neither was it in German nor Elizabethan English. You used the article “the” rather than “der”, “das” or “die”, and made note of such modern items as microwave popcorn and telephones. The language thus being established as American English, I am confused as to why you thought it necessary to capitalize common nouns. To my imperfect memory, you wrote “Bathroom”, “Snack”, and “Breakfast” as though they were proper nouns, implying they were either people (which would make the letter highly inappropriate) or elevated concepts (making the letter a new foray into the field of Snack Philosophy). I doubt this was your intention. I trust you found my proofread copy of the letter in my room and I suggest you make the changes outlined therein.

In The Mail: PETA Part 2

More from the archives of the comic-book collection PETA sent me in the mail.

From "A Chicken's Life!"

Of course, the eggs we eat are unfertilized, and would have just lain there otherwise. Ignore that for the moment.

In The Mail: PETA Part 1

I won't make a stand here on the Total Animal Liberation Movement (PETA's stated goal, as opposed to animal welfare), but independent of its cause, PETA is pretty ridiculous. (I quake in fear as I write; at any moment commandos may storm in and douse me with red blood.)

Maybe it's because I still get a kick out of Sesame Street and Muzzy, but some of PETA's propoganda directed at children. No, I'm pretty sure even Chuck Norris would get the heebie-jeebies from some of the stuff they hand out to kids. The funny thing is the range of tactics they use, from peeing-in-my-pants horror to heart-melting adorableness. See some of PETA's past work, and some of the stickers they recently sent me in the mail.

From THIS to THIS

My favorite quote from this one: "In the forest, nasty men in boots catch animals in traps." In boots? Why specify footwear?               Also: "Tell [your mommy] that you know she paid men to hurt and kill the animals. Everyone knows. And the sooner she stops wearing fur the sooner the animals will be safe. Until then, keep you doggie or kitty friends away from mommy- she's an animal killer!"

The sequel: "Until your daddy learns that it's not 'fun' to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!"

Clue Simpsons? Really?- A response

A response to (Miss Scarlet's Weak Alibi)

Consumer Affairs: Att: Jennifer DaSilva

Hasbro

1027 Newport Ave

Pawtucket, RI 02861

Dear Ms. DaSilva,

Recently, I sent your company a letter with many helpful suggestions regarding the board game Clue. Make no mistake, my letter was both a tribute to many a snowed-in winter’s night occupied by the mild intrigue of a murder mystery board game and a proposal that would revolutionize Clue and align it better with the real circumstances that a detective would face in investigating a crime.

For that reason, I was highly disappointed to receive your reply stating, “Hasbro, Inc. does not manufacture this particular product.” First, I would like to point out your poor writing form. You used the word “this” without any reference whatsoever to what “this” was. You cannot expect your readers to simply guess as to your meaning, not even I, who, luckily for you, have saved a copy of the original letter. A nice way of introducing your topic would be to quote briefly from my letter as I have done yours.

50 Words, Infinite Literary Genius

My tribute to Doctor Seuss. Happy Birthday.

Hint: (Start with "I")