Ernie Keebler

Ernie Keebler

The Keebler Company        

52 Hollow Tree Ln,

Newington, CT 06111

Dear Mr. Keebler,

            Thank you for your contributions, not only to my stomach, but also to society.

You see, when I first heard that my Frosted Animal Crackers and Fudge Stripes were made inside of a tree, I was filled with reservation. I worried about the quality of my cookies- who knows whether a termite or squirrel could have fallen into the batter when the elves were on lunch break. But then I remembered that the FDA allows a certain amount of insect and rodent matter in processed foods. Then I worried about the working conditions inside of a tree.  Elves notoriously suffer terrible working conditions, from the rag-wearing self-mutilating house-elves of the wizarding world to the forced overtime of elves repairing shoes at night for lazy cobblers. A hollowed-out tree, dusty, dry, and crowded, would be a prime location for a sweatshop. Hosting ovens in such a flammable environment could be highly hazardous as well. I prepared, if need be, to boycott Keebler based on inhumane practices.

But Mr. Keebler, I know now that the Hollow Tree is a nurturing and healthy work environment. Thanks to your website’s profile on all the elves, with its delightfully quaint spelling and grammatical errors, I can see that the Hollow Tree is a place where each elf can thrive and show their individuality and creativity. I know that there have been no cases of illness or injury among employees. And though the elves do swim in the Fudge River, this does not create the hygiene issue precedented in the Wonka Factory because elves do not sweat or carry disease of any kind. From the profiles of the worker elves, I can tell that each one is satisfied and challenged by their work lives. The Hollow Tree is a shining beacon of hope in the world of elfin rights, and for this I congratulate you. Well done, Ernie!

Please pass my thanks along to Elwood, Ma Keebler, and the rest of the gang. Keep up the great work guys! (Do you think I could get an autograph?)

Sincerely,

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