Shellac Your Cereal Much?

See the responseConsumer Care Representative

1 General Mills Blvd.

Minneapolis, MN

55426

To the makers of Cocoa Puffs:

I’m sure you are familiar with the poem “Cereal” by the late great Shel Silverstein.

Rice Krispies stay crisp, though they now and then lisp

As they whisper their “thnap crackle pop” in your bowl,

And though you pour a tall can

Of milk on your ALL Bran,

It never will turn into glop (so I’m told).

I know Shredded Wheat will stay crumbly and neat

Though you soak it a year in the depths of the ocean,

And from breakfast and lunch

Your Post Toasties will crunch

To show you their love and undying devotion.

Oaties stay oaty, and Wheat Chex stay floaty,

And nothing can take the puff out of Puffed Rice.

But I wish they’d invent a cereal for someone

Who likes it

All floppy

And drippy

And droppy

And lumpy

And sloppy

And soggy

And gloopy

And gooey

And mushy

And NICE (Reproduced from Falling Up)

Now of course Cocoa Puffs are not mentioned in this poem, and it is because of this that I wish to mention that despite Silverstein’s poetic talents, he must have known very little about cereal. Rice Krispies get soggy very easily, as do Wheat Chex. The others are admittedly hardy, but not impenetrable to the invading forces of milk if you let them soak. And of course, they do have a “floppy”, “drippy” “lumpy” cereal for those of us who love sog and its name is oatmeal. However, the most flagrant error in “Cereal” is the absence of Cocoa Puffs. Cocoa Puffs are the Kevlar of cereal, completely milk resistant even after prolonged soaking. Shel would take to Cocoa Puffs like a fish to frying oil.

There are times when I feel the same way; the sound of a crunch that loud coming from between my ears at 6:00 in the morning is too much of a jolt to be a pleasant breakfast experience. Cocoa Puffs make a good afternoon snack or lazy dinner substitute, once I’m alert and braced for the sound and the effort required. So no, I’m not cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in the same way as that nutty bird, but this is not meant to be a complaint; as I’ve mentioned there are plenty of cereals for breakfast lightweights like me.  In fact, I’d rather call to your attention some of the other uses for a product like Cocoa Puffs.

Raingear: Sure, in pure functionality this is a terrible idea. Every time it rained the wearer would smell like sweet chocolate, attracting wild animals and insects. Range of motion would be limited, too. (Granted, I would expect the design for Cocoa Puffs raincoats to include some non-Puff material at the shoulders and elbows for flexibility.) But panty hose are a terrible idea in this way too: they rip on the first wear, cover nothing and provide no warmth, yet they are tremendously popular pieces of clothing. I don’t see the Cocoa Puff raincoat reaching quite that height, but it’s not much of a stretch to see the coat having a cult following a la Snuggie.

I recently filled a tall cup with Cocoa Puffs, as a snack while working. I can’t handle the whole multiple-puffs-in-my-mouth thing, so I ate one at a time and was finished with my work before making much of a dent in the cup. So I left the cereal there, and  came back to them the next time I was hungry, two days later. Without thinking much of it, I noticed that the Cocoa Puffs had not changed in texture.  I still didn’t finish the cup. I tried again after another couple of days. No change. After just over a week I threw out those Cocoa Puffs, not because they were no longer fresh but because the thought of food sitting out so long seemed foul. This experience was a lesson in a property likely related to the cereal’s resistance to moisture, but one I had not considered before. Cocoa Puffs do not get stale. Sure, they have an expiration date mandated by the FDA, but I doubt the date reflects any milestone in the cereal’s true life expectancy.

This quality puts it into the small but high demand category of apocalypse-proof foodstuffs. After December 21, 2012, or the nuclear meltdown, or the swine flu ravaging the population, or the melted icecaps unleash a global flood, people are still going to need to eat. They’re going to get bored of Twinkies, canned beans, and Spam. Your new slogan: “Powdered milk and water won’t get your Cocoa Puffs soggy! Go cuckoo for post-apocalyptic Cocoa Puffs!” Market them to astronauts, conspiracy theorists, and survivalists. People will stock up and business will boom.

I only give these ideas to you because I care deeply about the cereal market and want to see it expanded. Very little has been done to change the way we see cereal since Milk ‘N Cereal Bars. You hold in your hands the power to completely revitalize the cereal-clothing industry.

Sincerely,

P.S. Bring back Team Cheerios!

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