To the makers of Oreo Sandwich Cookies:
I must first introduce myself as a fan of your products. As a brand, Oreo’s have done a fantastic job of taking the simple sandwich cookie and creating infinite marketable variations. Any complaint anyone could have against an Oreo, you’ve covered by creating a new cookie. Too big? Mini Oreos. Too small? Double Stuf, Triple Stuf, or Big Stuf (which, unfortunately I have only heard legend of). Too fattening? Try a Sugar Free, Reduced Fat, or a 100 Calorie Pack. Not an appropriate breakfast food? Oreo O’s. Boom.
Of course, even the most devoted American consumer can sometimes be baffled by the actions of a beloved company. Like deities, corporations seem to act in mysterious ways. However, unlike most gods, corporations provide mailing addresses to which we can direct the questions that trouble our souls. As your humble sheep, I kneel before the altar of sugar, fat, and capitalism and ask:
Oreos used to be “America’s Favorite Cookie”. Now they are “Milk’s Favorite Cookie”. What happened? Did America change her mind? Where were you getting your information on America’s favorite snack products anyway? I’m fairly sure the question wasn’t in the Census. If your information came from sales statistics, then surely you realized that the best-selling cookie would not necessarily be the favorite. Many people only eat their favorite foods a few times a year. What is more troubling is your apparent knowledge of what cookie milk prefers. Naturally, I assume you have a lab in which you have genetically altered milk, rendering it the powers of speech and asked it what cookies it likes. Why have you limited this technology to milk when it can do so much more for the world? Why, you could find out what chardonnay’s favorite entrée is, or blood’s favorite adhesive bandage! Nabisco, unleash your scientists upon the world so that we may someday live harmoniously with talking liquids.
The Oreos that one can buy from vending machines are different. Yes, they’re smaller, that part is easy to tell, but they’re also just generally different. The filling is thinner, it doesn’t seem to be quite so cohesive as the regular cookies. When you twist the top off the cookie, the filling will likely rip, leaving half the frosting on each cookie. Just look at the ingredients list, it’s different. Why would you make a completely different cookie to put inside of vending machines, but still call it regular Oreos? Why not “Small Stuf Frosting Rippers”, or something much cleverer?
My last question: Oreo commercials of late have been heavily leaning towards one particular way of eating the cookie: twist open, lick off all the frosting, put the two halves together, dunk once and bite. It was my understanding that there was no right way to eat an Oreo. Am I wrong? Is this it? Is my own favorite way, the simple dunk, soak, and bite, a deviant method? Temptation draws me towards the dunk and soak, I do not know whether I can hold out with the approved method. What is your counsel?
I respectfully await words of wisdom to relieve my doubts and justify my sweet tooth.
Sincerely Yours,
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