But Ron, I Have A Hammer I Need Cut In Half!

Ronco Acquisition Corporation

P.O. Box 7879

Van Nuys, CA 91406

To the people at Ronco:

            I saw your infomercial for the Six Star Cutlery Set only once, at two in the morning at a hotel in Hamilton, NY. I had made some poor decisions that day regarding food choices and as a result was awake against my will and watching television to try and distract myself from the pain.

            It may have been the rest-stop quesadilla or the room service potato skins, but suddenly anything that meant nobody would be preparing my food but me was a very enticing product. On came Ron, throwing out a whole drawer of knives and Arnold displaying the amazing Showtime knife. What a knife! Quite high on my list of culinary goals is to whack a pineapple with a knife and slice it cleanly in half. Except I would have someone throw the pineapple at me at go all Matrix when the pineapple splits into two. Perhaps I would substitute a watermelon for the pineapple.

             Needless to say I was already very impressed, but thought that the price for the Showtime knife might be a little bit high. I kept watching and Ron’s daughter brought out knife after knife, all for the same three easy payments of $13.33.  Sometime after the Ron displayed the shears, I found myself getting uncomfortable, and not from the boiling tar pit inside my stomach. This was too much! Each knife was costing only a few dollars each! How could Ronco possibly make a profit off of these superb knives if they were giving them away willy-nilly like that? Every time Ron said “Wait, there’s more”, I moaned, and not because my innards were slowly being eaten by the demon spawn of my dinner.

            I longed to make Ron stop, to save him from inevitable bankruptcy. I told my father that he needed to call the number on the screen right then, because pretty soon either Ronco would be rescinding the offer or my intestines would stop functioning to the point of never needing to cut food again because I would be fed by an IV tube. He didn’t call, remembering the other bad decisions I’d made that day and my altered state. My memory of the infomercial ends with the introduction of the solid food injector, which frankly was a little to graphic for my condition, so I was forced to turn the television off.

            I’m glad to see that Ronco is still in business. I have no need to buy 25 knives just yet, as I have no kitchen, but someday I will need the Six Star Cutlery Set, and I hope that Ronco will still be there for me.

Your ever-loyal fan,

Letter Status: Returned to Sender