From London With Love: Buckingham Replies

Reply to Long Live My Swans

Dear            ,

Thank you for your letter of 3rd December.

First of all, I should point out that you are not correct when you state that "all swans on open water in the realms of the British commonwealth are the sole property of The Queen". Some of the swans on a particular stretch of the River Thames are owned by Her Majesty and, on this particular stretch, the Worshipful Company of Vintners and the Worshipful Company of Dyers own the rest.

The Banana Guard: Guard Your Banana

Aberrant Designs Inc.


Suite #315  

2906 West Broadway

Vancouver, BC
V6K 2G8


Canada

To the makers of the Banana Guard,

I’m sure you’ve realized this already, but your product has all the makings of destroying the lives of the young people who find one inside of their Transformers lunchboxes.

The Banana Guard is so obviously phallic that you had to include “Is there a battery attachment?” in your list of frequently asked questions. Put that thing in the middle of a junior high cafeteria and suddenly the guy-who-brings-his-lunch-from-home-but-is-still-pretty-OK-because-he-has-a-pool becomes guy-with-a-wee-wee-in-his-lunch. Children are cruel. They will pounce on that Banana Guard like hyenas on day-old pterodactyl. “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana guard in your lunchbox or are you just happy to see me?”

To demonstrate exactly what I mean, I will now quote the Banana Guard website, inserting the word “penis”.

Brownie Horror

Everyone has probably seen this by now:

     It sickens me. This intestine shaped pan of doom (sold here) is designed to take America's favorite treat and turn it into some sort of dry, sconish type dessert. Every piece a corner piece! Every cubic inch of chocolatey batter cooked all the way through, crumbly and requiring copious amounts of milk.

Long Live My Swans

Public Information Officer

Buckingham Palace

London, England
SW1A 1AA

To the Royal Public Information Office:
Hello! My respects to your office and the good work that you do, keeping everyone informed about William’s fashion faux pas and which Royal musicians are leaving to go on solo tours.
My question for you today is regarding mute swans. It falls in common knowledge that all the swans on open water in the realms of the British Commonwealth are sole property of Her Majesty the Queen.
This never bothered me before- I think if somebody is going to own that many swans, it might as well be the Queen. She probably takes good care of them. But as an American in these uncertain times, I must consider all the possibilities and know that no matter what, my own property is secure.
I do not own any swans as of yet, nor do I live in the Commonwealth. Still, I can think of dozens of hypothetical situations, ranging from plausible to implausible, that might cause me to obtain some Mute Swans and move to, say, the UK.

Diagramming About Music Is Like Fingerpainting About Architecture

Learning to appreciate music in new ways.

(Courtesy Jeannr)

Vincent Gallo Replies

A response to Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants


vincentgallo@vincentgallo.com:
Let me see your face please













Blogger's note: I don't think I will. I probably would have if he had used a period or signed it. This is why I usually don't write helpful letters through email. People using Microsoft Word use spellcheck before they hit print. But if any of you readers want to send Vincent Gallo your face in my stead, leave a picture as a comment and it shall be done.

Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants

Vincent Gallo's Merchandising Website

Dear Mr. Gallo,

The warning on your contact page kind of scared me, for I do not wish to appear "small and silly" in your eyes, even though I don't really know who you are. I came across you as a person the first time when looking for fun christmas presents for friends. There was a link to your cum t-shirt and wondering why it would cost $150 so I wikied you. Now I know that "Vincent Gallo (born April 11, 1961) is an American film actor, director, producer,screenwriter, singer-songwriter, and painter." Like Leonardo DaVinci plus being American, a film actor, director, producer, screenwriter, and singer-songwriter. Even your names are pretty similar. That's kind of cool. You're famous for being in movies and bands I've never heard of, which in my book doesn't count as being famous, so really to me you're famous for selling a $150 cum t-shirt. Bold.
I'm contacting you about the pricing on that very Vincent Gallo merchandising website that sells, along with the $150 cum t-shirt, $200 posters without you on them and your $750 lucky wallet. Here's the thing.