The One That Started It All

(Or, A Title That Will Make Sense Later When There Is An "All")

-In the summer of 2009, Mars introduced two temporary flavors of M&Ms. They were very
powerful.

To Whom It May Concern,

I write to you in regards to the two flavors of Limited Edition M&M’s currently on the market: Coconut and Strawberried Peanut Butter. The former, I urge you to keep on the market as a permanent or seasonal flavor, whereas the latter ought to be stricken from all living memory.

Coconut M&M’s successfully mix the milk chocolate, candy coating, and coconut filling while keeping each flavor distinct: a mosaic, not a melting pot, of tastes. A single bite transports the consumer to a tropical island, where palm trees sway in a warm breeze, where colorful birds magically endowed with the power of speech sing reggae accapella and well-trained monkeys brings drinks to the straw hammocks on the beach. This effect is particularly powerful in the rainy, chilly woods of Maine, where the loon’s call is a bloodcurdling scream at midnight and mosquitoes unleash war upon human invaders




Though I laud you on your achievement with Coconut M&M’s, and again make a plea for their continued production, my conscience requires me to call to your attention your egregious mistake in Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s. The only way to describe the taste is that of a Peanut M&M which some ill-intentioned fiend had stuck a needle in and injected with a concentrate of strawberry cough syrup and molasses and spoiled milk. The first bite (and inevitably, the last) transports whichever unlucky soul consumes it to a world in which robots have gained control over the human population and farm us to be slaughtered. In this world, pollution has blocked out the sunshine and toxified the air. There is no joy, no laughter, and certainly no Coconut M&M’s. Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s are a hazard to the mental and emotional health of any who eat them, and thus it is your moral duty to remove them from the market.

I pray that my words make their way to the blessed souls who invented the Coconut M&M, to the misguided but surely well-intentioned men and women who invented the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M, and to the beneficent executives who hold in their hands the power to make a better world, filled with Coconut M&M’s forever.

                                    Yours truly,

                            

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