I Win, But Am Sort of Disappointed By Lack of Drama

A response to BookByte: Things Get Serious

Hello and thank you for contacting us.

The ISBN you entered in at time of purchase was 9780078791420 for “Glencoe Spanish Buen Viaje!, by Schmitt, Level 3, Grades 9-12” the ISBN we received from you was ISBN 9780078619908  for “Buen Viaje! Glencoe Spanish 3, by Schmitt, 2nd Edition, Grades 9-12” which has no system value and we are not purchasing it at this time.

We do not normally return incorrect books that are sent to us for any reason, this is why we ask that you enter in ISBNs found from the front copyright page of the book, to verify the ISBN for the book is correct. All incorrect books sent to us are recycled or donated. However I will courtesy return this book to you via Expedited shipping.

Regards,

Jamie King

Bookbyte.com Customer Service Representative

(Note: I am so upset I don't get to sic the BBB on somebody's ass. And I did enter the ISBN Number.)
(But they did send me the book. It's sitting, completely useless, on my bookshelf. For now. But when the new ice age comes and I'm looking around for things to burn, I'll be glad to have it.)

BookByte Bites: Things Get Serious

To customerservice@bookbyte.com:


I sent you Buen Viaje! Glencoe Spanish 3, by Schmitt, 2nd Edition, Grades 9-12 by Schmitt, Conrad J./ Woodford, Protase E. for which you promised $24.50. I see now that you have taken my book and decided, without contacting me, to pay me nothing. I assume that you will now be using that book nonetheless, having obtained it for free, and there is no way for me to get it back. From online research I have found you do this sort of thing often and the unsuspecting sellers are powerless. Have you any plans to honor your end of our little agreement or do you really plan on stealing my book, which, even were it of minimal academic value would have worth as kindling? Some day, when "The Day After Tomorrow" happens, and I can count the hours of my life by the books on my bookshelf, that's going to be on you. In the hopefully nearer future, I'll be siccing the BBB on your ass.

May I please have my book back?

Sincerely,

Email Status: Responded
The Response

I'll Be Bach

Seriously though.

New posts to return in September. Get pumped, nobody.

April Fools!

Hah! You thought you were rid of me. Not so. Not so at all. Wise words of the day are going to continue- mainly because if I don't write them down I'll forget them and thus not have wisdom, and also because if I don't publish them in a searchable online medium I'll lose them and once again not have any wisdom.
My wisdom teeth are gone. This is all I have.

So things I write that nobody reads, besides me, that guy who was a follower of the Island for a day, and hopelessly lost Googlers, will now be broadcasted to the world via twitter, and somehow through Wilderweb enchantments will make it to this page.

The Long Goodbye

I think I'm done with this. Maybe I'll reopen the Island later. Not that it's closed per se, it's just abandoned. We still need people to push the button every 108 minutes. And somebody should give Gilligan a ride home. Other than that you can read the archives and rejoice in the reappearance of Coconut M&M's this summer.
I accept thanks in the form of glowing fan letters, cash, and food items.
I'm out.

Wise Words of the Day

Don't dress for the weather you have, dress for the weather you want. Sometimes that means frostbite or heat stroke, and we just have to deal with that.

Happy first day of Spring.

Happy Birthday to Me

My appreciation for the fact that my birthday falls on an international drinking holiday has grown exponentially over time (see graph below). Having taken Statistics, I am aware that it would be a fallacy at this time to say my enjoyment of St. Patrick's Day follows an exponential pattern, but nonetheless the  data collected thus far can be expressed in such a manner.

 

I'm spending it drinking, watching bad movies, and eating chocolate.
First up: Leprechaun 4: In Space "One small step for man... One giant leap of terror."

Can You Sigh Backward?

Management

Memphis Residence Inn Downtown

6141 Poplar Pike

Memphis, TN 38119-4707

To the management,

I recently enjoyed a stay at your hotel in the beautiful, though desolate, downtown Memphis. In general, I say bravo. I can hardly blame you for the fact that it snowed in Tennessee that week, or that the TV picture froze just as the soon-to-be bronze medalist began his mogul run, forcing me to hear but not see his show-stopping double-full twisting back flip.  You can hardly be blamed for miscommunications with the valets who all seemed to be off-duty or the quality of your bagels, which I imagine are never quite right more than 100 miles from New York.

As a brief aside however, I would like to call your attention to the letter you posted on my refrigerator and the style with which it was written. The letter was a hospitable gesture, to be sure. I would simply like to inform you that neither was it in German nor Elizabethan English. You used the article “the” rather than “der”, “das” or “die”, and made note of such modern items as microwave popcorn and telephones. The language thus being established as American English, I am confused as to why you thought it necessary to capitalize common nouns. To my imperfect memory, you wrote “Bathroom”, “Snack”, and “Breakfast” as though they were proper nouns, implying they were either people (which would make the letter highly inappropriate) or elevated concepts (making the letter a new foray into the field of Snack Philosophy). I doubt this was your intention. I trust you found my proofread copy of the letter in my room and I suggest you make the changes outlined therein.

In The Mail: PETA Part 2

More from the archives of the comic-book collection PETA sent me in the mail.

From "A Chicken's Life!"

Of course, the eggs we eat are unfertilized, and would have just lain there otherwise. Ignore that for the moment.

In The Mail: PETA Part 1

I won't make a stand here on the Total Animal Liberation Movement (PETA's stated goal, as opposed to animal welfare), but independent of its cause, PETA is pretty ridiculous. (I quake in fear as I write; at any moment commandos may storm in and douse me with red blood.)

Maybe it's because I still get a kick out of Sesame Street and Muzzy, but some of PETA's propoganda directed at children. No, I'm pretty sure even Chuck Norris would get the heebie-jeebies from some of the stuff they hand out to kids. The funny thing is the range of tactics they use, from peeing-in-my-pants horror to heart-melting adorableness. See some of PETA's past work, and some of the stickers they recently sent me in the mail.

From THIS to THIS

My favorite quote from this one: "In the forest, nasty men in boots catch animals in traps." In boots? Why specify footwear?               Also: "Tell [your mommy] that you know she paid men to hurt and kill the animals. Everyone knows. And the sooner she stops wearing fur the sooner the animals will be safe. Until then, keep you doggie or kitty friends away from mommy- she's an animal killer!"

The sequel: "Until your daddy learns that it's not 'fun' to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!"

Clue Simpsons? Really?- A response

A response to (Miss Scarlet's Weak Alibi)

Consumer Affairs: Att: Jennifer DaSilva

Hasbro

1027 Newport Ave

Pawtucket, RI 02861

Dear Ms. DaSilva,

Recently, I sent your company a letter with many helpful suggestions regarding the board game Clue. Make no mistake, my letter was both a tribute to many a snowed-in winter’s night occupied by the mild intrigue of a murder mystery board game and a proposal that would revolutionize Clue and align it better with the real circumstances that a detective would face in investigating a crime.

For that reason, I was highly disappointed to receive your reply stating, “Hasbro, Inc. does not manufacture this particular product.” First, I would like to point out your poor writing form. You used the word “this” without any reference whatsoever to what “this” was. You cannot expect your readers to simply guess as to your meaning, not even I, who, luckily for you, have saved a copy of the original letter. A nice way of introducing your topic would be to quote briefly from my letter as I have done yours.

50 Words, Infinite Literary Genius

My tribute to Doctor Seuss. Happy Birthday.

Hint: (Start with "I")

Miss Scarlet's Weak Alibi

A blatant lie in reply to Colonel Mustard and Sergeant Ketchup

Dear                         ,

Thank you for contacting us and allowing us the opportunity to respond to your inquiry.

We appreciate the fact that you thought enough of Hasbro, Inc. to contact us with your request.

Although we manufacture many quality products, Hasbro, Inc. does not manufacture this particular product.

Again, we thank you for your interest and hope that you and your family will enjoy our many products for years to come.

Sincerely,
CONSUMER AFFAIRS DEPT.
Jennifer J. DaSilva
Consumer Affairs Representative

Response: Coming Soon.

Colonel Mustard and Sergeant Ketchup

Hasbro, Inc.

Consumer Affairs

P.O. Box 200

Dept. C-847

Pawtucket, RI, 02862-0200.

Dear Hasbro,

Recently I watched the 1985 film “Clue”, based off of the classic board game. It’s the masterpiece of the genre of board game films. Certainly its competition, “Candyland: Great Lollipop Adventure”, “Death by Scrabble”, and “Guess Who?” offered little. The third had almost nothing to do with flipping faces on tiles, though Ashton Kutcher was fairly two-dimensional.

            “Clue” (the movie) reminded me of Clue (the game). For reference purposes, I will refer to “Clue” (the movie) as “Clue” and Clue (the game) as Clue for the duration of this letter. The instructions to Clue (“Clue” doesn’t have any instructions) say,

Mr. Boddy—apparently the victim of foul play—is found in one of the rooms of

his mansion. To win, you must determine the answers to these three questions: Who done it? Where? and with What Weapon?”

Even if we take the grammatical errors above to be a clever use of colloquialisms designed to pique the interest of the aspiring detective, it is easy to pick out some of the fallacies that make the mystery far easier to solve than the game’s forced trial-and-error method would imply.

It's Another Fauxetry Post!

Unfortunately I discovered the sheer awesomeness of former US Poet Laureate Billy Collins many months too late to do my recommended summer reading and still several months too late to attend his poetry reading.

But here today I make it up to Billy Collins. I know he was disappointed when he stepped into the packed lecture hall and saw my seat, the one in the front row that read "Reserved for Sincerely Yours", as empty and desolate as the top of James Carville's head. Inside he wept but on the outside, struggled on. Today his suffering can end because today he joins a select society: "Poets Whose Mailboxes I Don't Want To Put Rabid Mice Inside Of" (PWMIDWTPRMIO).

To serve as an induction ceremony,  I post two of his poems below, alongside a fauxem of my own, an oldie which pales in comparison.

Worst. Book. Ever

For reference: Sparknotes

Jostein Gaarder
c/o Berkley Publishing Group
375 Hudson Street
New York New York 10014

Dear Mr. Gaarder,
You, sir, hold a distinguished title that no other author in the world can claim. That is, you are the only author in the world, dead or alive, to have his book assigned to me to read for school and have me unable to finish it.
Now there have been many books I have started and not finished. Don Quixote was dry and dusty, much like Miguel de Cervantes’ corpse. At some point I was simply unable to stand the patronizing tone of A Series of Unfortunate Events and was forced to quit, never discovering what the V.F.D. was. And my resolution to read the dictionary cover to cover was poorly thought out in the first place.
But none of these books had the power to motivate me the way a school book can: entrusted to me by a respected teacher, told that I must read, take notes, and write a breathtaking paper if I want my life to be anything but an outright testament to failure. Sophie’s World had that divine power and yet, less than 100 pages in, I threw up my hands in dramatized exasperation and in one of those hands was your book. I would have liked for the force of my exasperated hands to toss Sophie’s World into the garbage disposal or some sort of bonfire, but I didn’t own the book so instead my hands came down and the book came with them. I stuffed it gently into the bottom of my backpack and returned it to my teacher a month later.

Now It's Official

I said it was coming.


Here, for you to reference as you begin using it in everyday speech, formal writing pieces, and txting, is the definition of wilderweb.


Wilderweb (n): A synonym for internet which employs a metaphor comparing the World Wide Web to wilderness. 
Consider how you might encounter an "avalanche" of pop-up ads, one following the other until you are buried beneath a pile of windows selling natural male enhancement. 
Consider the equal dangers of getting lost on the Appalachian trail and getting lost on a trail of links, dizzy and confused and unable to remember your final destination. Or the similar behavioral patterns of natural predators and internet predators.
Lastly, consider how, on a starry night, gazing into the sky enlightens you as to how tiny and insignificant you truly are. Do we not experience such insight into the vastness of the universe when we see the 16 billion results upon googling "A"?

"I'm going for a walk in the wilderweb." "Well, be careful. Don't forget to bring your virus protection and a flashlight."

Don't believe me? Check it at urbandictionary.com

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wilderweb

Some Personal Lamentations

I'm in general not much of a downer. It has been said that I do not actually have feelings and am in fact a malfunctioning robot sent back from the future, because in the future that is what we do with our trash. (This explains a lot of things and a lot of people, more to come on this... maybe.) Be this truthful or not, I am occasionally struck with emotions, or illusions thereof. Today was a particularly emotional day. I will share so that we all may experience catharsis.

1. In my aimless wandering through the wilderweb (I've been using this word for years, but apparently it hasn't caught on. It's a mixture of "wilderness and web", look for it on Urban Dictionary in the future.), I came upon this. People who get gifts that they don't like smile, thank the giver, and then walk into the next room to put it on eBay. There are clothes, toys, DVD and CD sets, lovely jewelry and a whole lot of baby stuff. It's the modern version of the island of misfit toys, and as I looked at it and the song started to drift into my head, I started to tear up right in the middle of the English class I wasn't paying attention to.
   Each of those items were picked out with care, with one person in mind. They'll never belong to that person now, and they just sit alone, with no bidders whatsoever. Maybe I'm overreacting. But the whole thing makes me cry when I think about it.

Yeah, It Was Thoughtful: Cottonelle Replies

Reply to (TP: Tentative Proof)

Dear                        ,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about COTTONELLE toilet paper roll poll.

It was thoughtful of you to give us your opinion. Comments such as yours are very important in helping us know how consumers feel about our products and advertising. You can be sure we will share your comments with others involved.

Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.
Sincerely,
Karen M Savell
Consumer Specialist

Note: They also sent me three 50 cent coupons redeemable for any Kimberly-Clark product. That's including Cottonelle, Kleenex, and Depends, people.

TP: Tentative Proof

Consumer Relations
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept. INT
P.O. Box 2020
Neenah, WI 54957-2020

Dear Cottonelle,
When I started seeing commercials for your new Cottonelle Roll Poll, I thought little of it. After all, the choice was obvious. I’ve always rolled under. Everyone I’ve ever known has rolled under.
But then on a whim I checked the poll statistics and found that (as of January 12, 2010), 83% of Americans roll their toilet paper over the top. My home state of Connecticut is the only state in the nation where a majority of citizens roll under.
But let’s get real. Having a majority of Americans choose something hardly guarantees its superiority. The majority of Americans also like Dunkin’ Donuts’s donuts, CBS’s “Two and a Half Men”, and the New York Yankees. 300 million people can be wrong. And so I would like you to consider the facts before you conclude your study in the field toilet paper and announce one to be superior based on just popular opinion.

• Ease of Removal.
As you can see in the diagram and assume using your powers of common sense, the Earth’s gravitational forces pull the loose end of the toilet paper in a downward direction. When the toilet paper is being rolled under, this means the end of the paper hangs in the air obediently. However, if the roll has been set up such that the edge hangs over the top, gravity then draws the loose end back onto the roll. The picture at left is a microspic view of toilet paper. In it, you can see the tiny fibers that stick out from toilet paper. We don’t notice

From London With Love: Buckingham Replies

Reply to Long Live My Swans

Dear            ,

Thank you for your letter of 3rd December.

First of all, I should point out that you are not correct when you state that "all swans on open water in the realms of the British commonwealth are the sole property of The Queen". Some of the swans on a particular stretch of the River Thames are owned by Her Majesty and, on this particular stretch, the Worshipful Company of Vintners and the Worshipful Company of Dyers own the rest.

The Banana Guard: Guard Your Banana

Aberrant Designs Inc.


Suite #315  

2906 West Broadway

Vancouver, BC
V6K 2G8


Canada

To the makers of the Banana Guard,

I’m sure you’ve realized this already, but your product has all the makings of destroying the lives of the young people who find one inside of their Transformers lunchboxes.

The Banana Guard is so obviously phallic that you had to include “Is there a battery attachment?” in your list of frequently asked questions. Put that thing in the middle of a junior high cafeteria and suddenly the guy-who-brings-his-lunch-from-home-but-is-still-pretty-OK-because-he-has-a-pool becomes guy-with-a-wee-wee-in-his-lunch. Children are cruel. They will pounce on that Banana Guard like hyenas on day-old pterodactyl. “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana guard in your lunchbox or are you just happy to see me?”

To demonstrate exactly what I mean, I will now quote the Banana Guard website, inserting the word “penis”.

Brownie Horror

Everyone has probably seen this by now:

     It sickens me. This intestine shaped pan of doom (sold here) is designed to take America's favorite treat and turn it into some sort of dry, sconish type dessert. Every piece a corner piece! Every cubic inch of chocolatey batter cooked all the way through, crumbly and requiring copious amounts of milk.

Long Live My Swans

Public Information Officer

Buckingham Palace

London, England
SW1A 1AA

To the Royal Public Information Office:
Hello! My respects to your office and the good work that you do, keeping everyone informed about William’s fashion faux pas and which Royal musicians are leaving to go on solo tours.
My question for you today is regarding mute swans. It falls in common knowledge that all the swans on open water in the realms of the British Commonwealth are sole property of Her Majesty the Queen.
This never bothered me before- I think if somebody is going to own that many swans, it might as well be the Queen. She probably takes good care of them. But as an American in these uncertain times, I must consider all the possibilities and know that no matter what, my own property is secure.
I do not own any swans as of yet, nor do I live in the Commonwealth. Still, I can think of dozens of hypothetical situations, ranging from plausible to implausible, that might cause me to obtain some Mute Swans and move to, say, the UK.

Diagramming About Music Is Like Fingerpainting About Architecture

Learning to appreciate music in new ways.

(Courtesy Jeannr)

Vincent Gallo Replies

A response to Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants


vincentgallo@vincentgallo.com:
Let me see your face please













Blogger's note: I don't think I will. I probably would have if he had used a period or signed it. This is why I usually don't write helpful letters through email. People using Microsoft Word use spellcheck before they hit print. But if any of you readers want to send Vincent Gallo your face in my stead, leave a picture as a comment and it shall be done.

Celebrities I've Never Heard Of Are Poor Accountants

Vincent Gallo's Merchandising Website

Dear Mr. Gallo,

The warning on your contact page kind of scared me, for I do not wish to appear "small and silly" in your eyes, even though I don't really know who you are. I came across you as a person the first time when looking for fun christmas presents for friends. There was a link to your cum t-shirt and wondering why it would cost $150 so I wikied you. Now I know that "Vincent Gallo (born April 11, 1961) is an American film actor, director, producer,screenwriter, singer-songwriter, and painter." Like Leonardo DaVinci plus being American, a film actor, director, producer, screenwriter, and singer-songwriter. Even your names are pretty similar. That's kind of cool. You're famous for being in movies and bands I've never heard of, which in my book doesn't count as being famous, so really to me you're famous for selling a $150 cum t-shirt. Bold.
I'm contacting you about the pricing on that very Vincent Gallo merchandising website that sells, along with the $150 cum t-shirt, $200 posters without you on them and your $750 lucky wallet. Here's the thing.